The Space Race

In space penguins shall be known as spaceguins.

They will be even more cute in zero g than they are here. They will wear adorable penguin space helmets, so that they may breathe and communicate with each other. They will fly in delightful groups hunting space krill-- sprill.

Those meteor showers we all enjoy? Those are schools of dying spaceguins.

Elephants should not be forced to live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Nor in Chicago, Illinois.

I've killed two geese in my lifetime. Both were satisfying kills. I hated it.

I am one of the best parallel parkers in the city.

There is a giant disco on the opposite side of the moon. It is named, "The Moonwalk." It has large blue-green neon signs and is open 28 days out of the year. It serves amazing margaritas and kick ass chili. During lunar eclipses the drinks are half off and the Moon women are just a little bit easier to talk to. During the 60s, back when mankind made modest attempts at unwrapping its potential, the Moon people who hide in the dark were nervous. But now they know better.

An office lady once told me the walls were the color sea-foam green. I thought, "What an absurd name for a color?" I thought the walls were Robin's egg blue. I told her so. Her co-worker agreed.

Is there a shade of yellow called urine-foam yellow? Do women know urine makes foam in the toilet? My guess is most do not.

*sigh*

Elvis is buried next to his stillborn twin brother, Aaron. Both of their graves are marked by six foot long metal covers, engraved with their names and years of existence. Elvis had three TVs in one room and a pool table room with no windows but drapes on the walls and ceiling. I watched a man cut his head open on the exit to Elvis's shooting range. The doorway was low. The man was tall. Because of him, I ducked.

I am one of those learning monkeys. I touched a toaster once, just once.

I am also amazing at wedding dancing.

When I was a child my brothers and I saw a product called "Disappearing Ink." We thought we could cover ourselves in it and rob banks or scare teachers. Disappearing Ink taught us never to trust advertising again.

There will someday be a movie about a murderous barber entitled, "Shear Madness." There will be a film about a runaway train entitled, "Rail Biter." It will be horrible.

Wouldn't it be safer for school buses to accelerate over railroad tracks? It seems there is greater chance of mechanical failure during the gear shifting process of stopping and starting. Why don't they have seat belts on school buses? Is the cargo not valuable enough to strap down? Why do my friends make fun of me for putting my seatbelt on in taxis? They are morons, yet I forgive them. And I will visit them in the hospital when their turn comes.

I will wipe their drool and laugh and laugh.

Why don't people ride zebras?

Did cavemen name their hurricanes?

Does all the hurt mean something or is it just there so that we may enjoy simple things like Spaceguins and debates over wall color?

Here's the best poem I've ever written:

I wish I were a bird in the shade,
Because then I would be envied.

I am sad of being tired.