Always.

I know you still read.

It's the only reason I write.

Hurry, World

There's a sadness in the way I talk to the world. It's the sadness of hurry.

I drove across the country this past week. One thing I'll say about this place. There is a lot of room for privacy. This is a big goddamned land. There is space galore. No wonder we had to kill the Indians, because they didn't seem to appreciate it. Everybody wants privacy but nobody wants to be alone. Or left alone. Or left to die alone. Or left at home. Or left hanging.

That's how a lot of relationships end. One person is left hanging. Usually it is the one that was honest first. Usually it is me.

It's pathetic to want. It's pathetic to need. I wish I could turn it off.

Orgasms aside, I fantasize about mid-meal smiles and unexpected texts. Finger warmth and that thing that happens between arms during chilly rainstorms. Guarding her seat while she buys popcorn and shrugging under the umbrella I'm holding because I want to hold it at her height, not mine. I fantasize about somebody dying and me being there to offer comfort and shoulders. And a ride while she cries. And omelets. Fresh-made for her the next morning with mushrooms. Something other than button-- porcini, portabello or that long skinny kind that looks like alien food.

To tell her I love how she wore all order of bracelets on one arm and none on the other.

Sigh.

Moonlight. Stupid cliche moonlight. I want to see it on her skin and her hair and her teeth. On the tops of her calves. On the wrinkles of her shoulder when she reaches... On the dashboard as we head home. Off the hood and into her eyes. Off the pine needles flickering past. And I want to watch it die against the blinds while she sleeps to a rhythm more pure than any celestial body.

Sunrise defies her while I'm finally gifted sleep. Preparation for a late morning of smiles.

Eyes across a room. Eyes as close as breath. Mutual muteness. Complete silence defines the symphony between us.

Just as the stars stare. That song.

The agency of urgency. That hireling that's supposed to work for both sides. Hunger. Need. Want. Desire. The hurry to hurry. I miss that. I've had it rarely and when I have it's been the best times of my life.

I accept it, the not having of IT. I can only control the choices I make. That I am a factor of the factorials and facts of existence. That I have more control over the equation of life than I think. And I choose to win the daily decision battle. I choose to win it most of the time.

Doesn't stop me from wanting to win it all of the time.